Secret #19: Raising Emotionally Intelligent
An excerpt from "25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers," by Mark
"Mommy, I fell down," said the 5-year-old to his mother during a recent soccer
practice. "Were you tough?" asked his mom. "Yeah," he said and walked away with
his head down.
I was at this soccer practice with my daughter, and feeling just a bit out of
place as the only dad there. When I heard this exchange, it reminded me of the
ways we can blindly follow the "old school" concerning how we raise boys. The
old school says that boys should be tough, independent and reject feelings of
being weak or fearful. When I heard this mother ask her son if he was tough, I
wanted to say, " All he wants is for you to ask if he's OK!"
What does raising "tough and independent" boys create?
Men generally haven't received the training in "emotional intelligence" that
women have. They have a harder time identifying their own feelings, as well as
the feelings of others. They have been trained from an early age to learn that
being tough is more important than showing feelings.
When you employ the old school of raising tough and independent boys, you damage
boys' ability to feel closely connected to others and their ability to have
awareness of their own feelings. Boys learn to "swallow" feelings of inadequacy
The problem with swallowing these feelings is that it impacts ones' ability to
access other feelings as well. Emotionally intelligent people have access to all
of their feelings, not just the ones that are pleasant for them.
The result of swallowing these feelings may be fathers and men who are
"successful" (they make a lot of money), but who are not in touch with their own
feelings and have difficulty in nurturing themselves or their children. They
tend to have tremendous difficulty in developing successful relationships with
their loved ones.
Most of the men walking around today report they either don't remember being
hugged by their fathers and/or they have never heard their father say "I love
you" to them. It's easy to see why men often struggle in this area. Falling into
the trap of the old school for boys is easy because it's been the standard for
fathers for a very long time.
It is entirely normal and natural for fathers to have conflicting thoughts about
this subject. There will probably be a part of you that wants your son to be
tough enough to handle a tough, competitive world.
There may be another part of you that doesn't want your son to divorce three
wives--each of whom he blames for the failed marriage-and who buys a red sports
car and hangs out at singles bars when he reaches age 50.
Remember that the world is not only moving towards more technological
sophistication but emotional sophistication as well. Those who fully succeed in
their lives in this generation will be the people who are able to identify their
own feelings as well as the feelings of others. Here are some ideas on how you
can help your own son with this:
What fathers can do to raise emotionally intelligent sons:
- Examine your own ideas and practices concerning how you raise your son. Do you
allow him to express his full range of feelings, or do you push him away
emotionally if he's showing sadness, weakness, vulnerability, etc?
- Practice, practice, practice. Catch yourself when you're in the old patterns;
try saying more things like, "that must have been hard for you" or "boy, I
understand how foolish you must have felt." (These work on wives, too).
- Occasionally share feelings with your son in an age-appropriate way; this will
encourage him to feel safe enough to share his feelings with you. Don't be
afraid to tell your son that you were afraid at times as a child and that you
still get scared today.
- Be involved in your son's life enough to know who else might be enforcing the
"old school." That could include teachers, coaches, day-care providers, other
family members, etc. Since the old school is all around us, have the courage to
step in and make change happen even though you'll be judged by others ("You're
gonna end up with a wimpy mama's boy").
- Show physical affection to your son. Hugs, kisses, wrestling, whatever you can
muster. There is a great deal of research which shows that boys who receive this
from their fathers are happier, healthier, smarter, etc. Show your son that you
can hug or put your arm around other men as well to demonstrate your affection.
Are you squirming? You're a good candidate for this one.
- Help him to identify and name his own emotions as well as the emotions of
others. You can do this by asking him questions like," Were you feeling angry
when you struck out?' Try to judge people less and empathize more-he'll learn
these skills from you.
Let's help to create a world in which boys are able to be both sensitive and
strong. Let's teach them to be both fierce and gentle and to be aware of their
own feelings as well as the feelings of others.
This is only possible if we give up the notion of the tough and independent boy,
which has done so much damage to the development of strong, sensitive, and
We owe this one to our sons and to the world.
About the author: Author Mark Brandenburg, MA, CPCC, is a certified
personal and business coach, husband, and the father of two children. He is a
coach to men who want to have more effective, loving relationships with their
family. He conducts classes for fathers as well as providing individual
coaching. Mark has a Masters degree in counseling psychology and is a former
world-ranked tennis professional. For a twenty-minute complimentary session,
e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.